How To Choose Your Thanksgiving Host – and Executor

Who will your family choose to host Thanksgiving this year?

Even more importantly – who won’t you choose to host Thanksgiving?

This is no small decision.

Maybe a central location is best? But since you all had to fly or drive to Seattle last year, it’s really your turn to sit pretty in your Manhattan apartment.

Your apartment has only two bedrooms though, and one’s your work from home office with just a pull-out couch. Your neighbors tactfully decline to host your brother from Michigan and his two sets of twins under 5, let alone the rest of your family. And hotel prices will be astronomical.

So your sister in Long Island offers to host instead. Still convenient by LIRR for you, and it’ll be easy to pick up family from JFK Airport.

But your sister – God bless her – can’t cook to save her life. She thinks she can, which only makes it worse. Her turkey’s always tasteless and dry. Even her sweet potatoes are dry – and how is that even possible? No one will agree to pretend to eat her Thanksgiving dinner ever again.

You consider the remaining candidates. Your brother’s in a starter house which is bursting at the seams already – and he hasn’t fixed the leaky roof yet. So that’s a no.

Your mom’s still in the family home in Holyoke, Massachusetts, even though it’s just her now. She’s just beginning to consider the senior community you toured with her. But for now, she’s got four bedrooms, a finished basement with an extra fridge, and a wrap-around porch where you all can sit out while the kids run around the lawn.

There’s lots to do for everyone in the area too. Theater, a great children’s museum, and some easy hiking… It was a great place to grow up, and you’re pretty sure you could all enjoy a weekend there again.

Your logistical analysis, however, is not complete. You finally persuaded your mom to hire great cleaning help last year, so she won’t have to get the house ready. But you can’t burden her to cook a holiday weekend’s meals for the whole family.

Whenever you suggest slowing down, though, your mom snaps “Stop treating me like a child!” And no one in this lifetime or the next will ever convince Mom to get takeout.

In contrast, most of the restaurants within a 20-block radius of your apartment know you by name. But when Dad passed, it really hit home that your time with his generation is limited and precious. And you have some use-it-or-lose-it vacation days left.

So you volunteer to come on Sunday to be Mom’s sous chef. You tell her you’ll cook some food with her that freezes well, ahead of the rest of the family’s arrival. You don’t tell her you’ll also hide some takeout in the basement fridge.

But you’re not done yet. You also research the best restaurants within an hour radius (your specialty!), and share the menus with your siblings. Because of your sister’s recent promotion, you ask her to pick up the tab for everyone for a few meals. And you’re pleased to discover she’s actually really happy to find a way to contribute.

Labor Day has come and gone now (how did that happen?). But there’s still plenty of time for everyone to book plane tickets, arrange time off, and otherwise coordinate their return to your ancestral home.

You send up a silent prayer that your siblings will follow through promptly, so you can get back to your life – unlike last year…and the year before….Somehow, you always get stuck with the Thanksgiving logistics and inevitable trouble shooting.

By now, you’ve accepted your fate – but this year, someone better say they’re thankful to you!

Now, what can we learn from this story about designating an executor?

TOP 6 FACTORS FOR CHOOSING AN EXECUTOR:

1. The List Maker

• The same way you choose a Thanksgiving host who can cook, you choose an executor who is practical and organized. For example:
  • Who makes lists – and actually checks off items, and follows up when people don’t call back?
  • Who can not only open a bank account, but also keep track of expenditures and reimbursements?

2. Location Matters

• Every state has different rules about who can serve as executor. One common criterion is location. Keep in mind that even if your state allows an out of state or international executor, it may not be ideal because:
  • A court interview may be required.
  • Attendance at a closing may be required.
  • Financial institutions may require documents to be notarized in the U.S.

3. Who Gets Along?

• Siblings who rarely speak may have seen each other for the first time in years at a parent’s funeral. And money can bring out the worst in people.
• Ask yourself who is most likely to get along with everyone else, and keep the peace.
• Consider a neutral executor, like an attorney or accountant, if family dynamics are very contentious.

4. Technological Proficiency

• Your lawyer and their staff will likely have a great deal of back and forth with your executor before the job is done, and email is usually the most efficient means of communications. Important documents may need to be scanned.
• No need for a Steve Jobs – but choose someone who will check their email frequently and is computer proficient.

5. Who’s Got the Time?

• Maybe you’re thinking, “Great, I’ll name my daughter. She’s a lawyer, that’ll help.” But if your daughter’s already working 60 hours/week, maybe she can’t quickly review documents, call banks, and respond to the estate attorney and accountant.
• Estate administration is usually a marathon, not a sprint.
• And being an executor is a part time job. Ask yourself – who has time for it?

6. Your Mission – If You Choose to Accept It

• Finally, you don’t just show up on the doorstep for Thanksgiving and yell, “Surprise!”
• Remember to ask your candidates for executor – and all other personal representatives in your estate plan – if they’re willing to take on the job.

Beyond wishing you good luck, I hope you’ll put yourself in good hands. A careful estate planning attorney should work with you to help you think through these factors to choose the best executor for your and your family’s needs.